20 People

Thank you to Amy and Baba for this wonderful piece of boredom-murder. Of course, due to copyright laws I shall modify it a bit.
20 people
1)Nazir
2)Aizat
3)Nas
4)Mus
5)Iskandar Ahmad Fajar
6)Irwan Iskandar
7)Cheryl Chua
8)Halim
9)Cheryl Tan
10)Filza
11)Fadz :)
12)Jamie
13)Nic!
14)Amy
15)Baba
16)Lydia
17)Syah Fidzuan
18)Raihan
19)Zameer
20)Aisyah
What's 3+5?
8. But Nas + Is = The Holiest Two among the SJI Mats. Nazir and Zat, shut up.

Where does number 18 live?
Marsiling. Near a street soccer court, as he would constantly remind me if we're looking for a place to play soccer.

What will happen if you give number 6 a hug?
He'll say, "Haii... If only you are Dangdut." Then I'll smack him on his head.

You just broke up with your significant other. What will number 1 do?
If by 2024 I can't find a replacement, he'll marry me. We have an agreement.


If you give cake to number 9, what will he/she say?
Cheryl? Cake? "FOODFIGHT!!!"

What does number 5 call number 17?
Um... 'Syah'? 'Eh monyet' (malay for 'hey monkey') at times.

What do you think is a suitable career for number 16?
Lydia? Hmm... Foster parent. Her maternal instincts are powerful man. Okay a PROPER career, I'd say a manager. Cos she's good with money and she's a good leader.

Number 3 and number 19. What do you think of them as a couple?
Nas and Zameer? Hahahaha they're the perfect couple. Nas has a big cock and Zameer worships it. Seriously. No joke.

Does number 20 have a boy/girlfriend?
Muahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahah.

What does Number 8 do for a living?
Man, lots of things. Tending to his knee. Loving number 14. Being a clerk for Civil Defence.

What is number 15's favourite activity?
Shrieking :P

You are alone naked in a room with number 7. What will you do?
Erm... Get dressed? It's Cheryl man, come on. What do you think I am, some sort of horny fuck-everything-that-moves freak?

You are alone naked in a room with number 12, when number 3 walks in. What happens next?
I'm alone naked in a room with Jamie when Nas walks in? I'll try to wake myself up.

What is your relationship with number 10?
Ah Filza.... She's my first love, was my best friend, my long-lost twin-sister. Erm, we outgrew all that lah.

What is number 4's relationship with number 18?
They're primary school classmates.

Is number 14 good at Maths?
Amy is the Goddess of Maths and everything else academic lah.

Are you good at Maths?
Hey let's just keep it to the 20 people okay.

What will happen if you never met number 11?
I don't think about that. Life will be less interesting, come to think of it.

What will happen to number 16 if he/she never met you?
She would see satay as it is...just...food.

How attractive is number 7 to you, on a scale of 1 to 10.
9. Cheryl may not be gorgeous like an anorexic diva-model-bitch, but she's cute, and personality-wise, she's incomparable.

Tell me something about number 9.
CT is my bestest female homie. She has prata cravings. Deep inside, she's really a minah.

Who in the list have you kissed? Or want to kiss?
Number 21. If I was hornier when I did this, I'd say everybody in the list. But number 21 will do.

Is number 13 really that unlucky?
It's just a coincidence you bitch. Nic's got things going good for her. Her business is looking up, she's in LaSalle-SIA doing something she's passionate about. Good stuff. AND she's busty. Muahahahahahhahahahahahah. Okay sorry Nic.

Hahahahhaha my god that was fun.

Test The System!: Bar Soap Dropping

Greetings dear reader!

Are you frustrated at yourself because you always keep things in? Are there a lot of pent-up emotions in you? Is there something you've always wanted to try but you just can't seem to find the time (cowardspeak for balls) to? Is there something you've always wanted to say, but were too afraid of a non-positive response? Well, do what you want in life through me!

In Test The System!, I will attempt to do things socially unacceptable, or socially abnormal. I will walk into Armani Exchange and ask them what I can buy with thirty cents. I will go clubbing and try to pick up a guy. Okay no wait I won't do that.

But I will try, and along the way find out what is really wrong with our society. Even if it means disrupting public peace.

My first experiment involves a bar of soap. It was performed a few months ago.
Harmless-looking now, but when placed on the floor of a shower room, can cause serious mental and physical damage.

Location? The shower room of a certain military camp, which for security reasons, shall remain unnamed.

I'm sure you've all heard of the fallen bar soap legend. There was once a bar soap that was held tightly in the hands of a military man. He was naked, in a shower room, with many others who were also military personnel. Suddenly, the bar of soap slipped from his hand, and fell upon the moist shower room floor. He Who Had The Soap bent over to pick it up, only to be sodomized from behind by one of the military personnel. Or more than one, if you have a sexual orientation like Elton John's.

The legend speaks of the desperation of uneducated military men. It tells of their desperate need for sexual intercourse, to the point that the anus of another man would suffice.

My experiment began one tuesday evening while I showered with an entire host of military personnel. We were all naked, and were stealing sneak peeks at each other's angklungs. Usually, that was where the homosexuality ends.

Then I tested the system, and the credibility of the Bar Soap-Dropping Legend. Bar soap in hand, I made that a reality no longer.

Bar soap no longer in hand.

"Oops," I said aloud in my best attempt at a homosexually attractive voice. "I dropped my soap."

I brought the gay level up one notch by adding, "Tee hee."

I tried to make my voice huskier as I said, "I'm going to bend over and pick it up now." I crossed my legs, right in front of left, before bending over to pick up the bar of soap..

I prepared for my anus to be trespassed.

Nothing happened. I turned around to look at my potential buggerers.

"Suffian, you need help picking it up?" one asked, perfectly helpful and heterosexual.

"Err...No thank you. Sure there's nothing else you want to help...me...with?"

"No, I guess."

Bah! The legend is not true. Not in Singapore at least, where the PES system has categorized us into different levels of physical fitness and sexuality.

This is Suffian. I have tested the system, and in the case of the Soap Bar-Dropping Legend, let us replace the word 'Legend' with 'Myth'.

Peace out.

Mercedes Ma

This is another dark entry. It would probably chase a few readers, expecting my usual fare, away. But I have to get it off my chest. Even if not many would understand what this is all about.

Just now was one of the scariest moments of my life. Nazir was on the verge of getting into deep shit. And the prospect of a nice soccer game was slowly slipping away.

I lost it.

I showed disrespect.

I still think I did nothing wrong, and the guy had it coming.

But to act the way I did. Sure, it was impulsive. Sure, it was unthinkable. That's me. To say what I said, and to do what I did, however, is reducing me to the elitist I sought so hard not to become.

I am wrong. And I am sorry.

210905

Yesterday, I went out with Fadz. Had loadsa fun, and in tribute to that wonderful outing, I wrote this poem. I fused Malay-style poetry with the English Language in this poem. What is Malay-style poetry? The first two lines of every verse are like Liverpool in the English Premier League - useless, but there for show. The next two lines are the ones that matter, the ones with the content - the satay at the end of the stick. Well, just for the first verse, at least.

Wednesday, 21st September 2005
Samad likes to eat satay
He buys the satay at Bedok
Went out with a girl yesterday
Thank god she doesn't look like my datuk

She's smart and charming and funny
We ate at KFC
Colonel Sanders was there as always
Smiling like P. Ramlee

We discussed school, life and studies
We talked about our buddies
Mus dropped by to say hello
I'm tone deaf - I cannot play the cello

Sorry for that last bit of useless info
Elton John is a homo
The girl, however, was not
And for that I thank God

Or she wouldn't hang out with me
She would be at home
Imagining being on a date
With Martha Stewart, in Rome

I really appreciated
Her hangin out with me
I bought her a box of Royce,
It made her really happy

I got to see her laugh
I got to see her smile
To be able to bring her joy...
It was worth all my while

I teased her, for that I'm sorry
I did not mean what I said
You're no bimbo, oh sweet lady
And I'm saying this without being paid

I know you're hurting inside
I know there's someone you miss
So my shoulder is yours to cry and lean on
Until you find your missing piece


-Suff

[Sechs]Fracture Lecture: Based On A True Story

The problem with most people is that they are never open to people out of their tolerance range. How many people would overlook the fact that another person is different from most and hold a conversation with them? How many times have we avoided conversation with people we deem "weird" or "not funny" or "arrogant"?

Mr. Tight Underwear - oh let's give him a name shall we? Let us call him Herbert, though Suffian never really got down to getting to know what his real name is. Herbert is the kind of person introverts would not talk to, and extroverts would not talk to after the initial conversation. He is weird, not funny and at first impressions, so stupid he's arrogant. Anybody with a sound social sense would avoid him like Prada's summer collection.

Sometimes, however, it is these very people who are at the fringes of society that keep it intact. Sometimes, it is these very people who will keep us alive. And Herbert has kept Suffian alive once before, during the Great Summoning Of The Magnificent White Laser Beam To Counter That Gargantuan Bitch. And again, Suffian needs Herbert for his incorrigable ability to bore.

Before the Gargantuan Lizard stops raving from his loss in the rap battle and resumes his murderous intent.

"Hey Herbert!"

Herbert, Mr. Tight Underwear, looked at Suffian. "Who's Herbert? I'm sure there's nobody named Herbert in our platoon..."

"Well there is now!" Suffian said, his pitch high in his urgency. "You are!"

"But my name is..."

"I don't care what your name is! Just be thankful I'm calling you Herbert and not Veronica. From now on you are Herbert." Suffian glanced at the Gargantuan Lizard. Herbert followed his glance, and saw a single white chicken feather just raging about in mid air.

"Suffian, you are fuckin' weird ah! I don't know anyone who talks about foolscap paper 'or!"

"Well, okay but this time, tell me what you think of paint drying?"

"Oh that's easy, it's due to the systematic evaporation - wait a minute!"

Suffian felt his temper rising. Barely 3 metres away a huge killer lizard in the guise of a feather was about to kill everyone in the hall and there Herbert was hesitating. "What, Herbert?"

"Why are we talking about paint drying? Can't we talk about girls like normal people? I like girls in mini-skirts. I have a thing for black girls in rap videos..."

Magick happened.

"All you Chinese guys are the same. Never liking your own kind," Suffian told Herbert. "That bored me man, thank you."

Herbert was distraught. Again, Suffian had acted very peculiarly.

The magick sequence was this:

While Herbert droned on about his not unusual fetish for rap video dancers, Suffian noticed that his fly was unzipped. And when he thought of fly, he thought of great majestic birds, like the one that needs to watch more Yun Nam Haircare commercials - the bald eagle. So when Suffian looked up and saw one of the medic's stretchers, the piece of equipment turned into a Great Bald Eagle, and was seen across the Dimensions save for ours, where it appeared as a motionless stretcher, and Mordivian S8, where it appeared as a canary in a tutu.

The Great Bald Eagle flew towards the recovering Gargantuan Lizard...

Suffian watched as the Great Battle began....

I, Suff, Shall Be Your Malay Teacher: Exercise 1

Insult of the day: Malahan, kau bagainkan rumput yang tapak kakiku memijak

We all know how horrible my Malay is. The Rasmus sing more sense than if I were to speak Malay. You all have heard the old adage, "The best form of learning is to teach." No you haven't heard of it? Well, neither have I, but at least it applies to the topic. Therefore, I shall learn Malay by teaching you all Malay. Now, giving you phrases in Malay and then defining them in English will hardly be of any fun, so I shall use the glorious medium that is pop culture.

I'll give you a popular song of our time. Only thing the lyrics are in... malay. So whip out your erm, dict - your English-Malay one that is, and get translating, and learn new vocabulary and the structure of sentences in the language that is Malay. Also, those who guess the title and artist of the song correctly will get a little surprise from me.

Class, begin...

Uh-huh, ini taik (hint: this word is informally spelt) aku
Perempuan semua hentak kaki kamu begini

Beberapa kali aku pernah mengelilingi lagu itu
Jadi ia tidak akan berlaku begitu
Sebab saya ini bukan perempuan jerit kembali
Saya bukan perempuan jerit kembali

Ooh, ini taik aku, ini taik aku

Aku dengar kau berbual merepek
Dan kamu fikir aku tidak mendengar
Orang lain dengar kau, membuat mereka semua membakar
Jadi aku sedia menyerang, akan memimpini kumpulanku
Akan mendapat penyentuhan bawah, akan menewasimu
Baiklah, letakkan pom-pom kamu, membuat mereka semua membakar

Beberapa kali aku pernah mengelilingi lagu itu
Jadi ia tidak akan berlaku begitu
Sebab saya ini bukan perempuan jerit kembali
Saya bukan perempuan jerit kembali

Ooh, ini taik aku, ini taik aku

Mari aku dengar kau kata, "Taik ini PISANG, P-I-S-A-N-G"

Taik ini PISANG, P-I-S-A-N-G

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay class good luck in finding the answer. Just tag me if you find them. So for now, this is Mr. Suffian, saying peace out and god bless.

je ne comprends pas

Insult of the day: insulte du jour

My fellow metropolitan and good pal Mus wishes to learn French sometime in the near future. So, being a good Samaritan, I shall teach him whatever French I still remember from my lower secondary days to prepare him for his coming classes.

Suff's List Of Important French Words/Phrases
(The strokes above some of the vowels are omitted due to inconcistencies between my computer and blogger)

Greetings

Bonjour - Hello, Good morning, Good afternoon, Wassup
Bonsoir - Good evening
Bonne nuit - Good night
Au revoir - Goodbye
Je amuser un avec votre mere passe nuit - I had a good time with your momma last night
Ce etre non un epee dans mon pantalon. Je etre heureux pour voir vous - This is not a sword in my pants. I am just happy to see you.

While Shopping In France...

Quel etre le prix ce article? - How much for this item?
Ooh! Ce etre pirater marchandise Bangladesh! - Ooh! Pirated goods from Bangladesh!
Ou pouvoir je obtenir marijuana? - Where can I get weed?

For The Restaurant

Je vouloir quelque poisson - I would like some fish
Ce qui? Vous non milo? - What? You don't have Milo?
Donner quelque bifteck, chienne - Give me some steak, bitch

Pre-Street Fights

Mon dieu! - My God!
Vous etre laid! - You are ugly!
Ce etre un petit penis - That is a small penis
Excussez-moi - Excuse me
Votre mere etre si gros que quand fixer, handicape personne monter la pour charite - Your mother is so fat that when she lay down, handicapped people climbed her for charity

Okay Mus. Anything else, ask me and I shall consult my dusty French-English dictionary and my old textbooks.

Hel Cry

I can't go on digging roses from your grave

Love...
Is failing.
Cupid is shit at PR.

It seems that
The word out on the street
About love
Is that...
It hurts
It kills
It binds temporarily,
Then in a sudden blinding flash of rage and hurt and pain,
It separates.

Those I hold dear...
Cupid did an okay job with them
Cupid showed them
In the two years prior to this
The joys of love
Even now, Cupid's spell flashes ablaze within the hearts of two
But the rest search for Cupid again
And he remains...
Elusive
Bad PR, man.

Those I hold dear...
Cupid held two of them together in love
Then relaxed his embrace
Thinking they'd stay in that nest of comfort and co-dependence
But the arrows that struck at their heart
Start causing pain
Searing through their being
It ended.
Both now think Cupid's an overrated bitch.

Before this, Cupid and I hardly crossed paths
Or arrows
But it worked well enough for me
I did not need love from Cupid's arrows.
I had a rather Jedi brand of love.
I love all.
I am compassionate to all.
Well, save for a handful of boys from RI
For awhile I thought myself incapable of love
In the Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt sense
In the blue-eyed boy-brown-eyed girl sense
I didn't need arrows for those

Until a stray one hit me
And I fall in love again.
But it sucks when it happens
While Cupid is shit at PR

Highly Recommended Music: Machina by Smashing Pumpkins

You are Pisces Iscariot.
You're a pretty laid back person who makes friends easily.
Ever the optimist, you are usually open to trying new experiences.
People find you interesting and easy to talk to.

Which Smashing Pumpkins album are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



Machina: The Machines Of God
Smashing Pumpkins
Released February 29, 2000
Virgin Records

Track Listing:

1."The Everlasting Gaze"* - 4:00
2."Raindrops + Sunshowers" - 4:39
3."Stand Inside Your Love"* - 4:14
4."I of the Mourning"* - 4:37
5."The Sacred and Profane" - 4:22
6."Try, Try, Try"* - 5:09
7."Heavy Metal Machine" - 5:52
8."This Time"* - 4:43
9."The Imploding Voice" - 4:24
10."Glass and the Ghost Children" - 9:56
11."Wound" - 3:58
12."The Crying Tree of Mercury" - 3:43
13."With Every Light" - 3:56
14."Blue Skies Bring Tears" - 5:45
15."Age of Innocence"* - 3:55

*=Highly Recommended tracks

When most Singaporeans hear "Smashing Pumpkins", they'd think "a mess of perfectly edible Halloween fruit". "For my maid to clean". For most other people around the world though, Smashing Pumpkins is one of the true pioneers of the American Alternative Rock movement in the 1990s, to fill the void that came with the death of Kurt Cobain, and subsequently, Grunge. The movement had since spawned notable bands such as My Chemical Romance and 3 Doors Down. And a significant part of this can be attributed to the musical genius and direction of Billy Corgan.

The journey of the Smashing Pumpkins is one reflective of Billy Corgan's own. There were drug abuses, break-ups, patch-ups, highs, lows. Machina, along with Machina 2 (a second disc that was never released due to fear of poor sales after Adore), were meant to close a chapter on the life of Billy Corgan. It is a chapter that had lasted over a decade, and that had made him so wealthy and famous. The chapter of the Smashing Pumpkins. And true enough, Machina was very different from the previous 5 albums.

Machina rocked of love, divinity, true paths - stuff people reflect about as hermits in caves. Billy sings about discovering God, finding love; he sings of relationships both failed and going strong. No more, "Emptiness is loneliness/And loneliness is cleanliness/And cleanliness is godliness/And God is empty, just like me". No more vague relationships such as Adore's, "It's you that I adore/You will always be my whore/You'll be a mother to my child/And a child to my heart". Now, Billy is certain. He knows love, he sees God in a brighter place, and the vehicle in which he searched for these truths, the Smashing Pumpkins, is already weary. The end is the beginning is the end.

But to hell what albums mean. When it comes to the Smashing Pumpkins, not many can decipher the turbulent waves that eminate from Billy's brain. Musically, Machina is an Alternative Rock tour de force. Machina also cements the Smashing Pumpkins' hero status among the followers of teenage Angst. In The Everlasting Gaze, the first track and single off the album, Billy screams to invisible non-believers "You know I'm not dead!" against the backdrop of strong guitar riffs that would make listeners bleed adrenaline. The following single, "Stand Inside Your Love" is a powerful tribute to a lover and epitomises Billy's greatest musical gift: to musically and lyrically deliver powerful images of his thoughts and emotions.

Other stand-out tracks include "I Of The Mourning". While lyrically whiny, it also bears the progressive mark of Hey Jude or Champagne Supernova: a song that begins slow but climaxes in powerful fireworks. "Try, Try, Try", the third and last single off the album, is a lower-tempo ode to the tragic life of drug-laced, star-crossed lovers. But my favourite track of all would be "Age Of Innocence". It sounds pagan, but it also prods to inner peace, while providing a brilliant closure for the album.

A must-buy for the emotionally restless.

Rating: 8.5/10

[Cinco]Fracture Lecture: Based On A True Story

Begin with the end in mind is a bagload of shit. The only time anybody should have an end in mind is if they're in the anal porn industry. Otherwise, 'beginning with the end in mind' is meant to stay in the backwaters of unread self-help books, along with 'If you assume, you will make an ASS of U and ME' and 'Ask and you shall receive'. In today's context of financial complexities it's more of 'Ask and you shall receive, with interest'.

Now back to the story. The end Suffian has in mind is this: the Lizard stops its destructive inclinations. How? Now that evaded Suffian's mind. Racking his brains for a means to achieve the end, Suffian came up with usual way of dealing with conflicts of interests: diplomacy.

"Hey big boy!" he called to the Lizard through the Intra-dimensional airwaves.

The Lizard was very angry at such arrogance from someone who caused him tremendous pain with a single magick beam. And due to his complex mental infrastructure, everytime the Lizard gets angry, he starts to rap:

"Hey you dick whom they call Suff/
Get out of here or I shall MAKE you move/
They don't call me Susan the Bitch in Dimension Beta 5 for nothing/
Just let me be, let me do my thing/
I'm gonna eat everyone here, plus the rest of the world/
I wouldn't even exclude a single Spice Girl/
So while your beam was nice and white and stuff/
It won't stop me from being a difficult bitch like Damien Duff."

Using mental telepathic projection - an ability reserved only to those who can control the magick within them, Suffian gave him his own ghetto retort:

"Uh, Everybody across the dimensions put your hands in the air/
Put your hands in the air/
Uh, here it goes.../
Thank god I have my own mic, 'cos the other's got Lizard breath/
This rap battle's gonna be a fight to tha death/
You wanna come here and talk about eating people, bitch/
Well I've got news for you, you pubic-hair-of-a-witch/
Thai people would eat you in hot dog buns with chilli/
Little kids are gonna sew you up into Prada handbags in Bali/
Americans are gonna cut your head up, stuff it, and hang it on walls/
Did I mention that the Thai people may also eat your balls?/
You wanna give me schtick, well suck a goat's dick/
Chinamen are gonna use your pubic hair to make candle wicks/
Russians are gonna make jackets of your hide/
Don't even think about landing in zoo, finding a mate, do a Bonnie and Clyde/
Cos even if I show your ugly ass some mercy/
Don't expect mercy from those to come after me.
Peace out.
Bukit Panjang forever y'all."

The Lizard gave an angry snarl. Suffian did two things: got Mr. Tight to talk to him again, and he looked at a guy with bad teeth..

Magick happened....

Ouch Bugger Shit Wank Fuck Arse Piss Prick Hole

I have stomach flu. I cough frequently, to the point that my chest hurts like crazy. Phlegm seems to be stuck in my throat. When I cough them out, there are traces of blood. I feel feverish. Everytime I exert myself physically, I find it very, very difficult to breathe.

Am I seeking sympathy? No.

All I'm saying is that this is how I'm going into the game in 9 hours' time. And I'm gonna give my all to win.

Even if it means I faint. Even if anything worse than that happens. If I could I'd get back up and fight on.

TLFC is more than a soccer team; we're a family. Whether we unite through SJI, SAJC or PJC, or even through flesh and blood, we'll work hard for ourselves and for one another.

We're better than any team we play against, and tomorrow, sick and feverish as I am, I'm going to prove that.

Turf City Soccer Pitch.
TLFC vs Some Random Mat Team.
9am. 28/08/2005

TLFC Squad
Nazir. Keeper
Irwan Iskandar. Keeper/Fullback/Winger
Jon. Right-back
Shahrul. Centre-back
Ben Chiew. Centre-back
Daniel. Fullback/Striker
Suffian. Winger
Aizat. Centre Midfield
Marcus. Centre Midfield
Nas. Centre Midfield/Winger/Striker
Mus. Striker/Attacking-Defensive Right/Centre
Syahmi. Striker

*In the absence of captain Syah Fidzuan... Well, we never really needed a Captain anyway.

Likely formation:

Likely formation after 30 minutes:


All the best guys. Tomorrow, asses will be kicked. And it's not going to be ours. And no, nobody's kicking Nazir's face either.

Who Feels Love?

You're Liam Gallagher! You cocky sonofabitch.
You're arrogant, annoying, offensive, and
whinge far too much for your own good. But
you're incredibly attractive, and hilarious.
You go for the wrong kind of women, but that's
part of your 'bed-all-the-birds' nature.


Which Oasis member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Foreword

Oasis is the greatest fuckin' band in the world, no questions.

The Spice Girls can't stay together long enough to make as many hits as Oasis. Plus, having a member named Scary won't exactly keep you marketable after say, a second album.

The Rolling Stones and Aerosmith churn out very few hits that appeal to non-retirees.

The Backstreet Boys are gay. So are the Village People.

U2's members are turning into politicians.

Punk is dead, and therefore, so are the Sex Pistols.

The Red Hot Chilli Peppers aren't exactly red hot anymore.

And Metallica...Well, Metallica was never a candidate anyway. Sometimes, people want to hear the lyrics, too.

Oasis proved their greatness many times. They hinted at it with Definitely Maybe. Live Forever and Slide Away. Supersonic. Hell, even Married With Children was nice.

Then came their masterpiece. (What's The Story) Morning Glory shattered the Earth. Wonderwall cemented their place in Rock and Roll heaven, along with glorious hits such as Champagne Supernova, Some Might Say and Don't Look Back In Anger.

But to me, what made them really great is their video Who Feels Love. It is a brilliant, artistic video unsurpassed by the likes of Bjork. Plus, unlike Bjork, Who Feels Love is actually a nice song to accompany the video. It is to Oasis fans what Jackass was to retarded people - one of their idols' greatest videos. Who Feels Love is a visual feast, and a mental orgasm, and truly an artistic feat of its time. So before I sound too much like a museum tour guide, Ladies and Gentlemen and everybody in between, I present to you Who Feels Love? by Oasis...

Who Feels Love? - Oasis



Found what I've lost inside
My spirit has been purified
Take a thorn from my pride
And hand in hand we'll take a walk outside



Thank you for the sun
The one that shines on everyone
Who feels love
Now there's a million years
Between my fantasies and fears
I feel love



I'm leaving all that I see
Now all my emotions fill the air I breathe


Now you understand that this is not the promised land
They spoke of
There's nothing more to be
If you can be the remedy who heals love

[Drie] Fracture Lecture: Based On A True Story

Not everything appears as they should.

Take politics for example. Politics is supposed to appear as a form of governing the people, to circumscribe chaos to classrooms and rock concerts only. However, to most, politics appears as one humongous circus of bickering old men and clandestine financial transactions.

Or, you can take the example of 50-foot gargantuan lizards. Being in a medium-sized Multi-Purpose Hall when you're 50 feet tall will make you stick out like Marilyn Manson in a kindergarten classroom. Yet nobody in the hall, save for Suffian, detected the Lizard. This is due to the Law of Inter-Dimensional Visual and Aural Inconsistencies. In most dimensions, the gargantuan lizard would appear as it is: an oversized reptillian problem. In our dimension, as magick-deprived as it is, the manifestation of the lizard is that of a single feather.

A chicken feather at that...

The 200 or so trainees were about to witness a feather kill a medic.

Suffian turned to Mr. Tight Underwear. "Hey man," Suffian said urgently, perfectly capturing the other teenager's attention. "Okay you're a boring person. Tell me about your life, quick!"

"Wh - What?" Tight looked worried, discomforted. "Okay here goes..."

Suffian braced himself for utter boredom. He did not want to, but he had to do it. It was the only way he could draw upon his magical powers to counter the Gargantuan Lizard.

"When I was 2, my imaginary friend, Tommy, died in a terrible accident. He was swinging a sword around pretending to be Peter Pan when he cut half his face off. I still have the other half... It talks to me at night."

Suffian looked at Mr. Tight Underwear incredulously. "Okay stop! Man, that was horrible! You're not boring me. You're making me think you're very crazy. Which is quite entertaining I must say." Suffian racked his brains for a way to be very bored. He glanced at the Lizard. It had stopped next to the Medic and appeared to be preparing for its pre-kill speech. "Okay, tell me what you think of...lines on a foolscap paper."

Mr. Tight beamed, happy to be talking about something mature and academic. "Oh it's really good. It's quite an innovative idea, whoever came up with foolscap lines. Enables you to write neatly..."

Suffian stared at the floor as Mr. Tight Underwear droned on. He saw white lines, the markings of a badminton court. He thought of lasers, bright beams of white light of enough magical power to fend off a big lizard. Maybe he'd name it Suff's Deadly Megical White Thingy That Will Kill All You Motherfuckers Beam, or SDMWTTWKA (Pronounced Sad-DimWit-Towkay) Beam, for convenience and breath...

Meanwhile, the Gargantuan Lizard, started to speak. 200 or so trainees and medics, if they listen closely, were going to hear a single chicken feather verbalize in French.

"Mon nom est Angelo Horacio et je détruirai!"
Translation: "My name is Angelo Horacio and I will destroy!"

"La chair humaine goûte comme le poulet, j'a entendu!"
Translation: "Human flesh tastes like chicken, I heard!"

"Tristement, je n'ai avant jamais mangé le poulet!"
Translation: "Sadly, I have never eaten chicken before!"

"Vissez cela! Parce que je vous mangerai tout de toute façon!"
Translation: Screw that! Because I'll eat you all anyway!"

The lizard finished its speech, and opened its jaw wide, ready to eat the medic before him. Suddenly, with "Cowboy" by Eve as its entrance song, a bright beam of white light flew from Suffian's left index finger and hit the lizard square in its chest, causing it to fall onto its tail.

"You're Prada wallet, bitch!" Suffian exclaimed to the Lizard through the Inter-Dimensional airwaves, such that only he and the lizard could register those words.

To be continued...

Joy Division

Insult of the day: If we were movies, I'd be Star Wars and you'd be Robocop Part 8.

A pictorial...

These are the people and the things that make me happy, and I think that in this stage of my life, I am going to need a reminder...

Of Altodynamics And Cakes

"Supernova, baby. Me. 5 years from now." -The Suffsayer

When the clock struck 12 on the 24th of July, 12 winced in pain and pondered on assault charges. I, too, winced in pain, 10000 feet above where most clocks are situated (i.e., the ground). In 3 hours, I would have clocked a grand total of 166440 hours on this Earth. In 3 hours, I take that final stride in the teenage leg of the odyssey that is my life.

I winced in pain for several reasons. None of them include the distinct feeling of ageing, though. I wince in pain mainly due to the fact that, I'm already into my last year as a teenager, numerically and technically speaking, and very rarely have I felt like I led a very normal teenage life. Too often have I deviated from the path that had already been laid out for me, like Harold and Kumar on their way to White Castle, or Liverpool, in their bid to win the Premier League.

I am different, and here, 10000 feet above everyone else and 2000 miles from home, that issue emerges from the back alleys of my cerebrum.

My extreme uniqueness I will not touch upon here; those I cannot help but live with. It's the little things which other teenagers have that I don't that had made me wince. I've never had a serious, steady relationship. I couldn't make up for it by being extremely geeky and lap up other people's money through scholarships. I didn't own a handphone until early this year. My fashion sense is sensed by few.

I would live my life no differently, except maybe quell the emptiness inside with someone I can hold and love. If I can afford to share my life with another person.

So although I am surrounded by fellow NS dudes, I feel very alone as I turn 19 on a plane bound for Taiwan. Like love and home are 2000 miles away from me.

Scan

I wrapped my head around my brain.
It told me who I am.
I got...

Extrovert.
Irresponsible.
Eccentric.
Impulsive.
Nice.
Mostly Nice.

Thank god, I breathed in my meditation.
The usual jazz. Nothing new.
I prodded deeper in,
To the part of my brain that handles more complex issues.
I got:

Not in love.
Miss my best friends. Miss my family.
Want to entertain the world.
Want to make it big.
Insecurities: Lack of social acceptance. Lack of personal achievement.

Still, stuff both I and the world at large already know.

Something stirred from deep within. I prodded there.
The dark patch gently stirred, revealing nothing.
Just ripples on dark, inky depths. Murky, revealing nothing.
It's something I don't want to face.

I prodded.
The ripples were gentle, but the abyss was still there.

[Dua] Fracture Lecture: Based On A True Story

1. This story is dedicated to all those who believe they are different, and are not afraid of it.
2. It is also dedicated to Cheryl (Chua). Seeing you at IndoChine made me very happy, even if it wasn't for long. Such joy inspired me to get off my lazy ass and finish this story.
3. Finally, it is dedicated to the SJI Mats. This story is about the magic we all have inside us, as we stand out from the rest of the world.

People tend not to notice the better parts of themselves.

Teachers, for example, tend not to notice that they have television, and dish out homework like it was the cure for AIDS - only to spend their free time marking those pieces of paper.

Suffian did not notice his magical capabilities. The only conjuring he could do prior to the Gargantuan Lizard were for Detention Class forms. He could make grown, adult teachers bring the form to him, and even make them automatically send it to the higher authorities for him.

Everybody in the hall - both trainees and the instructor medics - did not notice the 30-foot tell lizard in the middle of the hall. If they did, their otherwise mundane military lives would have taken a sharp right to Interesting, and they could all stop being bored and/or unhappy for a bit and start running for their lives.

What Suffian did notice about himself, was that he was still terribly bored. In an effort to hold on to whatever Boredom did not take away from his brain, he struck up a conversation to the person nearest to him. Such was the magnitude of his boredom that it did not matter if his fellow conversant would be He-With-The-Bad-Undergarment-Disposition, Mr Tight Underwear. Surely, even prudes would be more entertaining than peacetime medics.

"Hey man, I've got a good one," Suffian said, in an attempt to start conversation.

"A good what?" Tight replied, somewhat disconcerted by Suffian's vagueness.

"Uh, joke."

"Oh... But we'll miss out on the lecture."

"No relax, the medic's complaining about us not listening. It'll take a while for manically-depressed retard fatsos like him to snap out of it."

"But he's talking about bones breaking!"

"Yes, my friend. Our bones, if we don't listen to him."

There was a mind-numbing pause. Then:

"That won't be in the test later right?"

"Live walking papayas would endorse zebra flatulence before that'll come out in a test."

"Huh?"

"No, it won't come out in the test."

"Okay good."

While this sequence of events transpired, the newly-materialized Lizard had already adapted well to the fact that it was no longer a fan, but a crazy killing machine. With the poise of one capable of wiping out an entire hall of trainees and medics, the Lizard stuck its head into the air, and sniffed.

At first it recoiled - someone has a very neglected hair farm in his armpits. But then an even stronger smell engulfed his olfactory senses, from beneath the murky depths of the Hair Farm. It was the smell of raw human flesh. To a human being, that kind of smell is disgusting. They smell it every morning in non-airconditioned buses. To a fan-turned-Giant Lizard, however, it smelled like a good appetizer for the main course of 200 or so trainees and medics. The smell (both smells, actually) came from Suffian's instructor medic, who unfortunately happened to be the kind of person who regarded bathing as an inconvenience. The Lizard stalked towards the source of the smell, hungry as hell.

"Okay hear me out," Suffian went on to a very nervous Mr. Tight. "Why does Lee Kuan Yew bathe with his underpants on?"

"He does?"

"Well, factually, no, but if he does, why would he bathe with his underpants on?"

"Um..."

Suffian could feel his boredom slowly creep back upon him.

"I give up," Tight said, rather tiredly. The mental exertions had taken a heavy toll on his mind. He always saw Mr. Lee as a sane, upright person who would nonetheless not wear his undergarments into the bathtub. It just wasn't...socially-conforming.

"Because he hates to see the unemployed!" Suffian exclaimed, as if to revive his dying zest for conversation. As an afterthought, he added, "And thank God his politicians have skin and hair on their heads to cover their brains too, or Mr. Lee would palpitate."

Meanwhile, the Lizard had stalked enough to be just 10 metres away from the Medic, when it stopped. True to its complacent evilness, the Lizard stopped for dramatic effect. It then let out a terrible pan-dimensional battle snarl, heard in dimensions Alpha 6 and Z Beta 3, but expressed in our dimension as a .01 decibel replica of a duckbilled platypus' mating call.

By then, Tight had turned away from Suffian, and had started to feverishly write down notes on fracture-mending. Suffian had retired to lazing at the back of the group, when he looked up for no novel reason and saw the largest creature he had ever seen outside of his pants.

Witnessing his own handiwork somehow jolted Suffian's inner magick and they fed information into his brains on how he had conjured the Lizard, and how he can properly use his magic and bend it to his will. It told him this:

"Okay. You were unbelievably bored. It wakes us magick-particles-inside-you up. You saw somebody who looked like a lizard. You didn't like him. We did a little calculation of our own about the scale, sorry if you didn't like it. Voila, Non-Likeable Giant Lizard."

Suffian was horrified, and it took him quite a while before he could think of anything to do.

The Lizard was starting to stalk again...

To be continued...