Sunday, August 21, 2005

[Drie] Fracture Lecture: Based On A True Story

Not everything appears as they should.

Take politics for example. Politics is supposed to appear as a form of governing the people, to circumscribe chaos to classrooms and rock concerts only. However, to most, politics appears as one humongous circus of bickering old men and clandestine financial transactions.

Or, you can take the example of 50-foot gargantuan lizards. Being in a medium-sized Multi-Purpose Hall when you're 50 feet tall will make you stick out like Marilyn Manson in a kindergarten classroom. Yet nobody in the hall, save for Suffian, detected the Lizard. This is due to the Law of Inter-Dimensional Visual and Aural Inconsistencies. In most dimensions, the gargantuan lizard would appear as it is: an oversized reptillian problem. In our dimension, as magick-deprived as it is, the manifestation of the lizard is that of a single feather.

A chicken feather at that...

The 200 or so trainees were about to witness a feather kill a medic.

Suffian turned to Mr. Tight Underwear. "Hey man," Suffian said urgently, perfectly capturing the other teenager's attention. "Okay you're a boring person. Tell me about your life, quick!"

"Wh - What?" Tight looked worried, discomforted. "Okay here goes..."

Suffian braced himself for utter boredom. He did not want to, but he had to do it. It was the only way he could draw upon his magical powers to counter the Gargantuan Lizard.

"When I was 2, my imaginary friend, Tommy, died in a terrible accident. He was swinging a sword around pretending to be Peter Pan when he cut half his face off. I still have the other half... It talks to me at night."

Suffian looked at Mr. Tight Underwear incredulously. "Okay stop! Man, that was horrible! You're not boring me. You're making me think you're very crazy. Which is quite entertaining I must say." Suffian racked his brains for a way to be very bored. He glanced at the Lizard. It had stopped next to the Medic and appeared to be preparing for its pre-kill speech. "Okay, tell me what you think of...lines on a foolscap paper."

Mr. Tight beamed, happy to be talking about something mature and academic. "Oh it's really good. It's quite an innovative idea, whoever came up with foolscap lines. Enables you to write neatly..."

Suffian stared at the floor as Mr. Tight Underwear droned on. He saw white lines, the markings of a badminton court. He thought of lasers, bright beams of white light of enough magical power to fend off a big lizard. Maybe he'd name it Suff's Deadly Megical White Thingy That Will Kill All You Motherfuckers Beam, or SDMWTTWKA (Pronounced Sad-DimWit-Towkay) Beam, for convenience and breath...

Meanwhile, the Gargantuan Lizard, started to speak. 200 or so trainees and medics, if they listen closely, were going to hear a single chicken feather verbalize in French.

"Mon nom est Angelo Horacio et je détruirai!"
Translation: "My name is Angelo Horacio and I will destroy!"

"La chair humaine goûte comme le poulet, j'a entendu!"
Translation: "Human flesh tastes like chicken, I heard!"

"Tristement, je n'ai avant jamais mangé le poulet!"
Translation: "Sadly, I have never eaten chicken before!"

"Vissez cela! Parce que je vous mangerai tout de toute façon!"
Translation: Screw that! Because I'll eat you all anyway!"

The lizard finished its speech, and opened its jaw wide, ready to eat the medic before him. Suddenly, with "Cowboy" by Eve as its entrance song, a bright beam of white light flew from Suffian's left index finger and hit the lizard square in its chest, causing it to fall onto its tail.

"You're Prada wallet, bitch!" Suffian exclaimed to the Lizard through the Inter-Dimensional airwaves, such that only he and the lizard could register those words.

To be continued...

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