Love Actually

Thank you, Geri, Crystle and Mus for starting me on this

Tomorrow, I leave civilian life. I shall enter one of discipline, of dog tags; of retards yelling, telling me they're gonna be my worst nightmare even though I've already seen my brother naked. Tomorrow, I'm a National Serviceman. I just have one last address to my readers before I leave to that offshore zoo called Pulau Tekong.

I've been clubbing a lot lately, and I saw a lot of couples. Couples dancing, couples making out, couples quarelling, couples hugging. Hell, if there wasn't loud music, I'd think I was in an MRT train. But seeing all these people in love; I feel good, that humans have not lost the ability to emotionally invest among one another.

Actually, I myself haven't really been in love. It's hard for me to fall in love with anyone - my independence has ensured that. It's also hard for anyone to fall in love with me - my face has ensured that. I may not know much about love, but I know one thing about heterosexual relationships: being in one is like studying history. At first it seems interesting, full of events. You can remember all the dates. And you bullshit a lot. After a while, it gets tedious and boring. Full of wars that do not spice things up, but make things all the more intolerable. You don't care about the dates anymore. The subject seems to get thicker and fatter by the day, and all the content go to the wrong places. Some relationships I know are in this stage, but I only have one thing to say to the guys: If you really love her, hang in there.

When relationships reach this stage, guys will usually react in one of 3 ways.

Some will get moody. Control your emotions, guys. Wanna know why Scrooge never had kids? Cos nobody will fuck a self-pitying, grumpy fella with an agenda against the entire world. Why do you think Italy has such low birth rates? Nobody wants to give Roberto the perpetually-angry mafia boss any pussy. Women'd never know if he's pointing his dick or his gun at them. When a guy gets moody, he may say the wrongest stuff any guy can say besides, "Hi, I'm Stacy." He may say stuff like, "Why the hell did you dance with that guy at the club, you cheap whore!", or "Since you can talk to that platonic friend of yours so much why don't you just fucking marry him?"

Guys, just hold it out until you're less angry and until you've dispelled enough insecurity about what she thinks of you. If your girl no longer loves you, she'd tell you. She might give a shit-ass reason 'to be nice', like, "I need to study for my exams" or "My parents disapprove" but yeah, she'd tell you when she can't take anymore. Girls, well, don't need my advice. Intuition will get them through.

Also, guys, watch out for the platonic friend. Don't be hostile to him, but know this, if you do one wrong move on your girl, she's gonna go crying to that fucker. She's gonna sob all over his shoulder going, "Why he do that to me? Why he do that to me?". Give them some time together and she'll start going "Yeah do that to me! Do that to me!" So guys, with girls, you really have to watch your mouth. Or she's gonna fuck her best friend.

When a relationship starts to thaw, guys may also cheat. Some guys in relationships find themselves being hit on by other women. Sure it's a nice feeling and all but know this, guys: those women like you because of your girlfriend. That bitch bathed you, got you a haircut to suit your ugly ass face, made you stop scratching your crotch in public, made you a gentleman and revived your long dead fashion sense. Isn't loyalty a small price to pay in tribute to the woman who made your life so much richer, and who made you so much a better person? Sure you're gay as hell, listening to Westlife or emo bands and writing poems about how she intices you like the tides to the moon, and single people may just go up to your face and say, "Hey Elton!". But relax, those guys are too ugly and too single to even measure up to you. Probably the kinda guys who spend their lives fantasizing over their cousins.

Whatever it is, don't cheat. You cheating is a passport for her to go get some dick herself. We wouldn't want that now would we?

Some guys may stop spending as much time with their girlfriends as before when the couplehood reaches a trough. I say this is perfectly healthy as compared to getting moody or beating up your girlfriend. Sure in this day and age, hardly anybody does it (physically abusing their significant others). But some guys do so to remind the girl who's boss. Guys, if you're among the few who do so, stop it. It only shows that you have no other more civilized methods of holding her respct.

But to take a break when the relationship's fizzling out is a good thing. Both parties get to think out what they want, and when they meet up again, they'll be more efficient at communicating their expectations in the relationship.

Nobody wants to break up with their boy/girlfriends. It's emotionally draining, and you do stupid things. Guys are gonna go to clubs and try to pick up girls with dumbass pick-up lines like, "Hey nice dress. It'd look better on the floor of my friend's garden 'cos I have no money to go home and the fella's gonna drive me there but keep me outside cos I'm pissed drunk and may vomit anytime though." Or something that'd put those words through a girl's head. Girls, on the other hand, would watch re-runs of Sex And The City and pig out on ice-cream. We wouldn't want to be fat unlike Sarah Jessica Parker now would we? Either way, it's not pretty.

So people, if you don't love whoever you're with, get out of the relationship before you have to resort to Days Of Our Lives over Sex And The City. If you love the person, hold on for as long as it is meant to last and enjoy every moment of it. We can always tell if we love somebody or not. Someone who you have to figure out whether you love or not is probably just very cute.

As I tell my friends, Love is the number one proof that there is a God.

So before I leave the shores of mainland Singapore, adios amigos. We'll see one another again two long weeks from now.

With love,
Suff