Peter Pan

"Define 'specimen'."
"A reason to see a prostitute?"

I am one distracted guy.
Bothered, uncomfortable; awkward.
Perhaps fearful of bringing my mind to the present, to the here and now.
Why? I know not.
Maybe I'm just scared I'll...grow up.

Ah...growing up.
I remember when that started.
It was when I first fell in love.

Oh those wistful days...
I was 14, she was 14. November brought with it a cool breeze and the lazy days of the year's end.
She wanted to soothe the pains of the world.
I wanted to make it smile.
She was the sweetest, most caring girl I knew.

It didn't hurt that she was very pretty and had a smile lovelier than anything I could imagine.
Her smile pierced me, melted me.
And I could make her smile.

Yes, I was in love, and the world was singing with me.

Alas, her heart belonged to another.
But it was a relationship that was very strained.
His young restless soul could not settle on one person to love.
The relationship was unstable and overt on the dramatics.
From my perspective, she was being badly mistreated.
I wanted to show her true love.

I wanted to surprise her after school , flowers in hand.
And I give them to her. She put her nose close to them.
She smiles. I feel weak and helpless, but ecstatic.
We go out for a movie. She rests her head on my shoulders as we watch.
Love so electric courses through my body.
As we eat after that, I share with her my life.
I learn more about her, and I only fall deeper.
I laugh with her.
Night chases away the light of day.
I am not fearful, for she is by my side.
I take her to a beach, and we take a stroll along the shore, accompanied by the caress of gentle waves and the romance of the moon and the stars.
We stop.
I looked into those eyes. Those tired eyes.
Eyes that have seen so much that sadden, that burden.
I gently kiss them, a light brush of my lips.
She opens her eyes, and looks up. She gazes into my face.
Searching for an answer.
I give it to her.
"I love you."
"When I first spoke to you at Crown Plaza, I already loved you."
"And I love you even more now."
"I want to take care of you, hold you when the shadows of this world bear down upon you."
"I want to show you how beautiful this world can be."
"And you are the most beautiful thing in this world to me."
We are alone. Silent fireworks in the background. The waves come slower.
The moon and the stars shine brighter.
She looks so much more beautiful as my face draws nearer to hers.
The world rushes past. It is just me and her.
We kiss, slow and gentle.

But that never happened.
She continued her relationship with the other man, and I grew desperate and erratic.
I tried to get a response, but she did not give any.
She stayed on with him.
He strayed...She stayed on with him.
He disrespected her, she stayed on with him.
I watched from the sides, too weak to cut in.
Insecurities bloomed in me. It was a disease, spreading on the inside.
I kept it in. Facades, fakeness.
And since then, I never felt real.
Unless I grow up. And that means facing the insecurities that I have lived with since the day I turned away from her.