In most parts of the world, Singapore included, crimes are deterred in the most stupid way ever: by sending wrongdoers to jail. Why is it stupid? Hell, because most people who end up in jail have better lives there. Other than like, politicians and Martha Stewart, everybody's going to jail a more glamorous person.
Before getting thrown into jail, these guys had two jobs to afford their daily dose of crack. Or, they were so poor they had to steal and got caught to get their asses in jail. You know how desperately poor you have to be to steal and get caught in SISCO-protected Singapore? We're talking about low crime-rate Singapore, where everybody's retired uncle is a security guard.
Now, these buggers have it way better in prison. Free lodging, free food. Free clothes. They get into protective cliques. It's basically junior college, with gay anal sex.
Does jail sound highly attractive to you, you freeloading nitbitch? Then follow these foolproof steps to get your ass in jail, without having to kill, steal or perform any crime that puts someone else at a less fortunate disposition than you.
The Singaporean Protest
The Singaporean Protest is much like The Britney Spears Singing - it is against the law. Citing 'disruption of public peace' as its lameass excuse, the Singaporean government has prohibited its citizens from expressing their views on its policies, whether verbal or with picket signs. Instead, the PAP gives its people the loneliest piece of land on this Earth - Speaker's Corner. If there's anyway to satisfy a political activist's need to talk and ensure he is not heard, it is by giving them Speaker's Corner at lonely-ass Hong Lim Park. Anybody who speaks out of place and with a non-approved topic (or protest) gets jailed.
So hey, what other easy, fun way is there to get into jail other than protesting about ANYTHING you want? And I mean ANYTHING. From the random (go outside McDonald's and decry taxis) to the pop-cultural ("NO MORE WHITE FEMALE RAPPER-WANNABES! GO BACK TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL JOJO!") to the environmental ("LEVEL BUKIT TIMAH AND USE THE LAND FOR RECLAMATION INTO MALAYSIA!") to the political ("SCREW NATIONAL SERVICE!"), ANYTHING. Just make enough noise to be a nuisance, attract the police and ultimately, land your drug-high ass in jail. And more importantly, have fun doing so.
Public Nudity
No sex please, we're Singaporean. Singapore is no place for streakers. Public nudity gets you in jail. In other countries, it just gets you manhandled and a polite reminder to re-clothe yourself. But here in Singapore, it is outlawed. The expression of your complete comfort in your own skin is treated with the same tolerance as stealing. But hey, whatever gets you imprisoned right?
Streaking and public nudity is usually carried out at protests or sporting events, where the extreme rush of adrenaline makes it 'seem like a good idea at the time'. But if you wanna be different, try these:
Streak in parliament. All those important politicians, that obvious breach of security... You're gonna stay in prison so long you'll get one of them lameass jailbird nicknames like "Smokey The Bitch".
Pose like Raffles next to Raffles' statue....nude. I don't see a solid reason why, but hey, it's fun.
Go out to the streets and thrust your naked crotch at all the kids you see. Public nudity, paedophilic inclinations, sexual harassment... That's two generations of taxpayers' cash you're gonna freeload in prison. Simply divine, isn't it?
For The Brave (Or Really High)
Step 1: Carjack a um, car.
Step 2: SPEED. Past the traffic police headquarters. I think a bunch of police cars will start chasing you.
Step 3: Initiate a car chase, with one hand on the wheel and the other giving those donut-eating bastards the finger.
Step 4: Stop suddenly, making them zoom past your "car". When they come out of their cars, check your watch and yawn. Tap your fingers, if you have time.
Step 5: They say: "License and registration, please". You give: "McDonald's Student's Discount Card."
Step 6: They say: "You were speeding on a non-expressway road." You say: "And oh aren't we tortoises while we were chasing me to fucking Malaysia! I CAN'T STAND THIS! HYPOCRITES! BE GONE!" Then try to convulse like you're having fits.
Step 7: Stop the act and laugh at those dumbasses. Roll all over the car. Call them idiots.
Step 8: Very likely, they're gonna take you out of the car analyze your breath for alcohol. KISS THE BREATH ANALYZER. Make your tongue obvious in all that action.
Step 9: They realise you're not drunk, but relax, they'll arrest you still. They say: "You're under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, blah, blah, blah..." You say: "I have the right to remain silent? Well, I'll make sure your momma won't remain silent in bed tonight, bitch! I'm gonna show her what this love machine can do. I'm gonna (point to officer) do your momma, (point to another officer) I'm gonna eat roast pork off your wife, (point to another officer) I'm gonna wedgie your dad and you, (point to the fattest donut of the lot), I'm gonna get you a fitness instructor. Has anyone ever called you Porky? (Police pride will make them say 'No') No? Well, they should, cos you're a pig.
Step 10: At the court, when the judge gives his verdict and tells you how long you stay in jail, say this: "Hey, before I go, two things: Haircut, and black dye."
You'd end up in jail a happy man. For a long, long time.
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