theonewithnosatay: Stories, Musings And Very Bad Dating Ads
This year's Weird Sexual Fetish Convention was held in a secret warehouse off the city's souther pier. I attended as a guest - having nothing in line with the purpose of the convention, but was intrigued when I saw the promotional poster. I came with a friend, Kevin. Now Kevin would not feel out of place here - he had a sexual fetish for anybody referencing The Beatles. It was a source of awkwardness when we discussed music, but otherwise, I saw Kevin as a good friend.
They checked our IDs at the door, and we were allowed to enter. Once we stepped in, an array of the World's Weirdest greeted us. We saw a couple mid-coitus. The man was spewing quotes from the Star Wars series, while the lady was apparently singing 'Rollin' by Limp Bizkit. "Use the Force, Luke," he said to her. "Move in, now move out! Hands up now hands down!" she replied.
We walked on. There was a man wearing a diaper who was walking around calling for his mommy. We passed a woman writing on a piece of paper with her left hand, while a tall, dark man masturbated, watching her. After writing, she went to another woman and they proceeded to lock lips. Further on, we saw a man talking dirty in a British accent as he copulated with a Japanese woman. Kevin was turned on - especially so when he heard the woman yell, "O, no!" I took in all these sights intensely enthralled, but feeling too weird to be turned on.
A very attractive blonde woman approached us after we had walked around for a few minutes. She was dressed in a pink tutu, which showed off her svelte body. "Hi I'm Lucy," she said, introducing herself. She had this chirpy, energetic voice that carried a heavy American accent. We introduced ourselves in return - Kevin did so with a grin wider than usual.
"So, what's your kick in the nuts?" Lucy asked us.
"Our kick in the nuts is not a kick in the nuts," I replied. "But Kevin here loves it if anybody talks about The Beatles." Kevin looked at his feet as I said this. He was blushing.
Lucy smiled appreciatively at Kevin. "Ah, no wonder you like my name so much," she said. "I'm in the blue sky with diamonds, baby." Kevin visibly shuddered, and I saw a tent forming in his pants. Lucy had a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she smiled.
Hurrying to help my friend regain his composure, I quickly asked Lucy, "So what's YOUR fetish?"
"I like a man who uses similes involving English Premiership footballers," Lucy replied. "Nothing turns me on more."
"Wow," I said, dumbfounded. "That's.....uncommon."
Kevin jumped at this chance to return the favour for Lucy. "Yes, that's uncommon... As uncommon as a bad Manchester United player, eh?"
It was Lucy's turn to shudder. Kevin pressed on. "Are you okay? You look like you saw something as scary as Bacary Sagna's hair."
Lucy started to moan. Kevin went on, "You wanna get physical, baby? As physical as Joey Barton just before a red card?"
"Oh my god," Lucy moaned. "I'm so wet!"
I decided to put in my 2 cents' worth, "As wet and slippery as the Liverpool defence?"
Lucy stopped moaning, and threw me a dirty look. "I'm sorry man, but sarcasm turns me off," she said curtly.
"Yeah, bugger off man. Don't turn Lucy off!" Kevin said to me, irritated. I could tell my friend was very attracted to Lucy, so I overlooked the betrayal and walked away from them.
I heard Lucy saying, "Take me out of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, Kevin!" and my friend replying, "You're out of it baby! As out of it as Rafa Benitez is out of his mind for playing Dirk Kuyt!" When I turned to look at them, they were embracing, kissing madly.
A mass of human body crashed into me when I turned to walk off.
I faltered, and when I recovered, I came face to face with a hormonally-overworking gorgeous girl dressed in her lingerie. She had black hair, and full, pouty lips that made me want to slide my...
"Oh my god!" she said, cutting into my very interesting thoughts. "Please! Recite the alphabets to me! Turn me on you stud!"
It took me awhile to register that. "Wait, what? Recite?"
"The alphabets! Now! Please! I need it so bad!"
"Errr, A, B, C - "
"YES!" the lady moaned as she started grabbing her breasts. She put her other hand inside her panties.
"D, E, F, G, H - "
"FUCK YES! YOU'RE MAKING ME SO HOT!"
I was feeling less awkward. As a matter of fact, I was getting turned on by this anonymous but very hot girl. "I, J, K, L, M, N - "
"FUCK OH FUCK YES I'M SO HORNY! I'M SO WET!"
"O, P, Q, R, S - " I paused, to look at her ass.
By now, she had removed her bra and panties, revealing the hottest nude body I have ever seen outside of a computer screen. "Go on babe. After Z, I want you to fuck me."
I started again, "T" and then I stopped. I looked at her. She was still rubbing herself.
"T..." Memories filled my head. I stopped.
I couldn't continue. "T..."
"I can't do this," I said finally.
I didn't wait for her to reply.
I walked away.
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