Idiot's Guide To Remaining A Virgin

Ever NOT wanted to be like a celebrity?

In today's Idiot's Guide, I will teach you how to NOT be like Britney, Paris (the Hilton) or Nick Carter. No, you're not gonna learn how to actually sing. I'm gonna teach you how to remain a virgin.

Now, for those of you who are not virgins, or who intend to lose your virginity, I must tell you that it is quite pointless to read on. As pointless as Paris (the Hilton) trying to get a degree or Paris (the city) trying to launch a No Sex campaign. But for the rest of you who, for one reason or another, have taken vows of celibacy (you crazy nutjob), then this entry is especially for you.

Now, let's explore possible and plausible reasons why there are people out there who actually want to remain virgins.

1) Religion. If that's your raison d'être for being a virgin, then I can't fault you there. Sometimes the pull of God's will is better than the pull of your willy.

2) You don't want to contribute to overpopulation (coughcoughbullshitcough). I mean, with our depleting natural resources and scarce land space, why don't you kill yourself too, so you don't contribute to consumption.

3) To avoid getting STDs. Yes, the non-virginal population are all dying from AIDS. All of us.

4) Sublimation (so as to focus on other things, like studies or career). Ah, started off as a nerd and going all the way eh?

So from exploring all these factors that contribute to prolonged celibacy, I came up with 7 steps to remain a virgin for the rest of your life. (Minus the religion bit because it's so damn touchy.)

1) Look at your sexual organs. It's ugly. Ugly as fuck. It's all wrinkly and weird. Yes, hate your penises and your vaginas, and you probably never want to use them in your life. You'd learn to pee through your ear or something. But ugh, your penis or/and (if you're a haemophrodite) your vagina is/are the ugliest thing(s) in the world!

2) Acquire a strong sense of paranoia. Everybody in the world has STDs and they want to spread it to you. You're in your current relationship only because your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to squeeze you of all your cash and attention and then leave you when he/she is bored. You can get pregnant through kissing. The government is watching your every move, and will inform your parents of any sexual activity that you participate in.

3) In terms of looks, the ugliest person on Earth stands here...























This is where YOU stand. You're so ugly, nobody wants to have sex with you. If they chat you up in a club, it's because it's dark and they couldn't see how you really looked like. If they actually do try to seduce you, it's just one big prank. Get out of there before you are thoroughly embarassed! TELL yourself all this, and believe it.

4) Bore people. One of the most effective ways to ward off sex. Support the Greek national soccer team (circa 2004), talk incessantly about shopping (if you're with me especially), bring your Maths workbook out on a date and do it (the Mathematical problems) over coffee, talk about classical music like it's freakin alternative rock and spew quotes from The Pianist. Use the Eeyore (the clinically depressed donkey from Winnie The Pooh) voice when you talk to people.

5) Be an accountant. On your spare time, volunteer in Africa. Boredom, Maths, poverty and civil war do not make for sexy time.

6) Do not believe in love! It is a governmental tool to keep us in check as their zombie slave labour. Lost your job? It's okay! You have love! Two guys aiming for the same promotion? Throw a hot girl into the mix and they'll work doubly hard for it. Why? Because they want her... love! And sex is just another weapon in love's arsenal to keep you as a pawn in the deadly game of government.

7) And finally, the best way to remain a virgin is to not declare your intention to the whole world. Britney did so, and look how she ended up. Just keep it to yourself. It's better that way. Imagine if you declared it. If you're ugly, the world will say, "Oh yeah that won't be so hard." And if you're attractive, the world will pounce on the opportunity to laugh at you should you not justify that declaration.

So yes, follow my steps and they might just make a sequel to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, based on your life. It's title will be the 90-Year-Old Virgin: Born A Virgin, Die A Virgin starring YOU YOU YOU.