Harris bin Potter and The Stoned Philosopher

Chapter 2: The Sorting Songkok, Part 2

The first years lined up in front of the Great Hall, staring at the songkok that would somehow be part of their sorting ceremony. Before their very eyes, the songkok twitched. A rip at the front opened wide like a mouth - and the songkok began to sing.

Oh you may not think that I am jambu
But do not judge on what you see
Besides, I’m just a freaking songkok
How jambu can I be?
I am not some random ethnic headgear
You should know this from the start
For I am the Sorting Songkok
Of Hog-Tak-Halal-What
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be
One of four houses named for
The founders of this academy.
You might belong in Fandi Ahmad,
If you possess charm and will
When it comes to void deck soccer
They rule with unerring skill.
You might belong in Sheikh Haikel
Where they are really cool
These groovy Sheikh Haikels
Are the best musicians in school.
Or yet Anwar Ibrahim
Where the clever get it on
Here the term ’smart mat’
Is not an oxymoron.
Last and certainly least
Is George W. Bush
I will be honest - if you go there,
You probably are a douche
So put me on, little one
Do not be afraid!
I promise I will not swallow
When you give me head.

The whole Hall burst into applause as the songkok finished its song - even from the neon pink of the George W. Bush table. Professor McGonnacall stopped it dead when she said aloud, "Welcome to the sorting ceremony. First-years, when I call your name, you are to sit on the stool, and place the songkok on your head. Once you are sorted, you are to sit with your respective new houses."

"I'm going to be in Bush," Harris heard the arrogant drawl he has grown to associate only with Donnie Darko Malfoy. Harris turned to see him announce his Bushy conviction to anybody who would listen to him, which was quite a few people. "Five generations of Malfoys have been in Bush. There is so much Bush in my family that we sometimes forget about Dick." Malfoy paused to clear his throat. "My cousin Dick - he went for a Brazilian." Malfoy cleared his throat yet again, giving the scene all the gravitas of a Strepsils commercial. "-a Brazilian exchange program, so he's the only one not in George W. Bush."

"Ahmad Santiago!" Professor McGogopowerrangers called.

A short, fat boy made his way to the stool, and nervously placed the Sorting Songkok on his head. "Mmm, mmm," The Sorting Songkok said. "I could do with some Maggi Goreng as well. Fine…Sheikh Haikel!"

The cool blues of Sheikh Haikel erupted into celebrations. They got onto their feet, cheering. Potpourri and blue banners exploded into the air. One Sheikh Haikel boy took out his boombox and it blasted out some celebratory, beat-manic hip-hop by Malaysian masters Too Phat. Two Bboys (or if you're too Queen Astrid Park to hit the streets, two breakdancers) among their ranks got onto the table, drifting into a fluid apache step before flipping themselves mad for a sweet one-hand planche.

"Are they going to do that for every person that joins them?" Harris asked Ron.

Before Ron could answer, Professor McGotothemall called for Howe Ahmed Yomudder.

"How about our famous Harris bin Potter?" came yet another Malfoy drawl, as the tall Howe Ahmed proceeded to get sorted. "You know, Harris, I think we would make a great team in George W. Bush. Imagine me and you in the void deck quidditch team!"

Harris was beginning to really not like Donnie Darko Malfoy. "I don't want to imagine that, Malfoy," he said. "Besides, I'm a Fandi Ahmad man."

There was a an impassioned "Yeah! Yeah!" from Ron and Herr-My-Knee behind him. Malfoy turned sharply to Harris' friends. "Red hair, pasar malam clothes. You're an Izfarq aren't you? I've had the displeasure of meeting your dad, Wadyoda Nidstudu." With an obnoxious lift of his nose, Donnie Darko Malfoy added, "Your dad calls my dad 'boss'."

Ron was too angered for a retort - for him, it was the time and place to punch a bastard in the nose. Harris saw this and quickly took a step between Malfoy and Ron. "Blond hair, dead animals for clothes. You're Lady Gaga aren't you? I've had the pleasure of meeting your mom." With another step towards Malfoy, Harris added, "Your mom calls me daddy."

There was the feisty "Oh no he didn't!" of an impending Yo Momma battle, but Professor McGottabeagolfball killed it when she shouted, "Donnie Darko Malfoy!"

As he walked towards the stool, Malfoy glared at Harris. "This isn't over, Harris bin Potter!" The Songkok had barely touched Malfoy's head when it shouted, "George W. Bush!" Loud cheers erupted from the neon pink end of the Great Hall.

A few students later, Professor McGongongcha cried, "Ali Evadass Iz - Is that really your name?"

"Yes, but you can call me Ron." Ron headed to the stool and placed The Sorting Songkok on his head.

"Ugh, you don't need a house. You need shampoo!" muttered The Sorting Songkok. "Hmm… On to business. Right, right. FANDI AHMAD!"

The table marked by the golden motifs of Fandi Ahmad burst with activity as its occupants cheered. A few people did somersaults. Some of them blew kisses to the sky. A few footballs started flying around. Happily, Ron vacated the stool and joined a pair of redhead twins, whom Harris surmised must be his brothers, at the Fandi Ahmad table.

Later, Herr-Aku-Punya-Lutut was also sorted into Fandi Ahmad, more for will, Harris was sure, than for charm. Even so, it made Harris want to be part of Fandi Ahmad even more. He guessed being a member of Anwar Ibrahim or Sheikh Haikel would not be so bad - anything but George W. Bush.

Eventually, the old witch called, "Harris bin Potter!" This caused the entire Great Hall to explode into excited whispers. "Silence please!" commanded Professor McDonalddoll.

The entire Great Hall seemed to draw a collective breath of anticipation as Harris placed the Songkok on his head. "Mmm, mmm, what do we have here?" said the Songkok. "I see vestiges of the great George W. Bush in this one."

"Sweet mother of satay, please no," Harris pleaded.

"Mother of satay? Really? But why not, young one? Mmm, Fandi Ahmad appeals more to you? I see it all in your head, Harris bin Potter. Your parents were both members of Fandi Ahmad, if I recall correctly. And of course I recall correctly, I am THE Sorting Songkok."

"Please Fandi Ahmad, please Fandi Ahmad." Harris was practically begging under his breath.

The Sorting Songkok was still in the midst of an unnecessary monologue. "I wonder if anybody has noticed the inherent sexism in this system - there is no Sorting Tudung. So anyway, Harris, dear boy. I SHALL PUT YOU IN -"

Harris took in a deep breath.

The students in the Great Hall, as one, took in a deep breath.

The staff seated behind Harris took in a deep breath.

A girl in a skirt on the roof, peeping at proceedings, took in a deep breath.

I cannot explain the biology behind it, but The Sorting Songkok, too, took in a deep breath. "- FANDI AHMAD!" A deafening roar of cheers filled the Great Hall, originating from the Fandi Ahmad table. Its members were going insane dancing and punching the air. "We have Harris bin Potter! We have Harris bin Potter!" they yelled. More footballs started bouncing off the table, into the air - one of them flew to the George W. Bush table and smacked Donnie Darko Malfoy in his nose.

Harris, in the meantime, breathed a sigh of relief and started to make his way towards the welcoming arms of his fellow Fandi Ahmads.

Suddenly, he did not feel like a stranger in a new world.