Harris bin Potter and The Stoned Philosopher

Chapter 2: The Sorting Songkok, Part 1
When Harris finally reached the grand castle, he was greeted by the great Doubledoor. One might think that this is a reference to a wise, powerful wizard with a long white beard and says, "Alas!" like it's not the 21st century. One would be mistaken - Doubledoor is really just a big two-door system that makes up the entrance to the school. 

Harris knocked. 

"You're doing it wrong," said a voice behind him. Harris turned to see a tall, skinny Malay boy with a shock of curly red hair. "It is engraved here above the door: Giveth unto the portal two sharp raps, and it will unravel to a realm of unending, glorious sorcery…siol."

Harris knocked again, twice.

"Alamak, you bloody bodoh sial bro," the boy said. "Here, let me." The boy places one hand on the door, and takes a deep breath. 

"I like big butts and I cannot lie," he starts reciting rapidly, rhythmically and indeed, sharply. "All you other brothers can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get SPRUNG!" 

Harris stared at the boy, and then at the unmoving door. He wanted to say, "Well that's…good to know?" He also wanted to clarify what getting sprung entailed, but then the newcomer took another deep breath.

"To the window, to the wall," the boy recited rapidly again, but to a different rhythm. "To the sweat drip down my balls, to all these bitches crawl, to all skeet skeet motherfucker, all skeet skeet goddam." Harris felt like a little john being at the receiving end of such…poetry.

With the creaks of unseen mechanism, the doors slid aside to reveal a Great Hall. Everybody knows how great a hall truly is when it begins with capitals. This one was a vast, vast Hall, lit by magnificent chandeliers hanging from a high, ornate ceiling that could, at will, turn transparent to show the sky above. Girls wearing skirts would do well not to walk on the roof.

The Great Hall had four long tables with accompanying benches, and currently, they were occupied by students in brown baju kurung, the traditional costume of Malays - or in this case, the official school uniform of Hog-Tak-Halal-What. A fifth long table in front seated the school staff - including, Harris noticed happily, the Hygiene Officer Hamid.

The moment Harris walked in, the nebulous buzz of chatter ceased. They were replaced by anxious whispers, most of which Harris caught anyway.

"Is that…?" 

"No way!" 

"It's Harris bin Potter! It's the boy who tak mati siol!" 

"Do you think I can teach Snooki to weave a ketupat?"

"Ki mak, Harris bin Potter dok!"

The whispers were cut by an old witch, who said loudly, "First-years, this way please!"

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Harris and the curly-haired boy who liked big butts followed her as she ushered them into an adjoining room filled with other eleven-year-olds also not in their baju kurung. 

"I'm Ali," the curly-haired redhead boy said to Harris, as they took seats behind a mane of bushy hair that they hoped was attached to a girl. "Ali Evadass Izfarq. But you can call me Ron."

"All He Ever Does - I mean, Ali Evadass - I mean, Ron? Why?"

"When I was younger, there was an elderly Hainanese lady who gave me Math tuition. And every time I showed her my work, she would say that everything was incorrect. But I was sure I did it right, and I insisted. And she would always shout back, 'No, I correct! YOU is ron!' And I believed her."

Harris stared at his acquaintance. For somebody who knew how to open Doubledoor, he sure was pretty stupid. 

The bushy-haired girl seated in front of them turned around to face them after Ron recited his story. "You know, for somebody who knew how to open Doubledoor, you sure are pretty stupid," she said. 

Ron whatever-ed her, but she seemed keen to make friends with the two boys. "My name's Minah," the girl said, shaking hands with both of them, and they exchanged introductions. She then pressed on, "I'm trying to find myself a new name, and I was wondering if you two can help me." The two boys looked at each other uncertainly. It was hardly the kind of thing you asked two eleven-year-olds you just met.

"What's wrong with Minah?" asked Ron, who had changed his own name from Ali to Ron at an error in pronunciation.

"Well, I am an ambitious girl whose life will take her beyond our land," she announced, not sounding like an eleven-year-old at all. "I fear my flagrantly Malay name would be detrimental to my progress in a future career. I think I should change my name to a less Malay one."

"You know, a lot of Malay people won't be too happy hearing what you just said," Harris pointed out. "Especially Malay feminists." Yes, they exist. And they wear tudungs, too.

"How about Siti?" Ron suggested. 

Minah smacked him across his head. "Less Malay!"

After several minutes of brainstorming, in which Ron suggested 'Bedah', 'Nurul', 'Babyrina' and 'Papa Jahat', while Harris suggested 'Emma Watson', Minah exclaimed, "I should take something from the Ancient Runic language!" 

Minah extracted her Ancient Runes textbook - Ancient Runes, Sial! by Wan Prataplis - and started poring through its pages excitedly. Ancient Runes was Minah's favorite subject, and you may wonder how that came to be, since classes have yet to start for the first-years. Well, I wonder the same thing. 

"I want a name," Minah said, impassioned, "that says I am an intelligent, confident, talented young woman."

"Justin Bieber!" offered Ron. Minah smacked him again.

"Well, why not have exactly that in Ancient Runes - Intelligent, Confident, Talented Girl?" Harris took Ancient Runes Sial! from her hands, and started flipping through the pages. "We'll take each word in Ancient Runes, and combine them to make your very own brand new Ancient Runic name!"

"That's a great idea, Harris!"

"Now, what's the Ancient Runic word for intelligent," Harris thought aloud as he flipped through the pages. "There we go - Herr! Confident is…Aku! As for talented it's…Punya! And finally the Ancient Runic word for girl is…Lutut! Combine them and you get -"

"Herr-Aku-Punya-Lutut!" cried the girl formally known as Minah, rising to her feet. "Listen, my friends," she said in a voice that lived up to the 'Aku' aspect of her new name."Henceforth, I shall be known as Herr-Aku-Punya-Lutut, or 'Girl of Intelligence, Confidence and Talent', in the archaic language of Ancient Runes."

Ron cleared his throat. "You know, in the less archaic language of Malay, Herr-Aku-Punya-Lutut translates to Herr-My-Knee," he pointed out for no particular reason.

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The old witch from before reappeared a few moments later. "Allow me to introduce myself," she said in a voice so regal that whoever plays her in the movie should have played a Queen in an earlier film. Except Kirsten Dunst, because she was a crap Marie Antoinette. Also, except Kumar, because we do not mean that kind of Queen. "I am Professor McGongongall", she continued her introduction.

"Sorry?" asked a blond, arrogant-looking student who Harris would later identify as Donnie Darko Malfoy. His friends called him Double-D Malfoy, a name that gave Harris cringe-worthy mental images of anthropomorphized rabbits with large hooters. Sometimes, these images would morph into anthropomorphized owls with large hooters and this would amuse him for a while. Rarely, the anthropomorphized owls go on to morph into anthropomorphized hammers with large knockers and that would be the signal that Harris had taken the joke too far.

"My name," the old witch repeated, "is Professor McGungantroll."

"But you just said..."

"MY NAME," the old witch said again, "is Professor McGoingoinggone. Now, more pressing issues are at hand. You are all to proceed back into the Great Hall to get sorted."

Ron gasped - where he came from, one was told one would get sorted the same way the Italian mafia tells one that one would swim with the fishes. But of course, it was not to be the same thing.

Not long later, Harris found himself back in the Great Hall. This time, there was a stool in the front of the hall. On it sat a solitary black songkok. Maybe they had to try and pull out a kampong chicken from it, Harris thought. Or a rabbit. Yeah, maybe a rabbit.