Test The System!: Men, And Chick Flicks

Insult of the day: He appears mature? Woman, that guy appears mature much less than Arnold Schwarzenegger appears in chick flicks.

Chick Flicks: Melodrama. Comedy. Romance. Relationships. Girl power. Meg Ryan. Patrick Swayze.



Chick flicks are movies that, either by design or in accordance to popular opinion, generally appeals to women. Examples include Ghost (the one with Demi Moore, and not the Michael Jackson short), Dirty Dancing, Steel Magnolias, Roman Holiday and The Princess Diaries.

So, what do men have to do with chick flicks?

What does Donald Trump have to do with real hair?

Nothing.

Men, usually in their own opinions, have and want nothing to do with chick flicks. Unless they get paid to be involved in it, like Patrick Swayze. I interviewed some of my male friends, and asked them if they would ever watch chick flicks on their own accord. Here are some of the replies I received:

"This is some secret experiment to see if I'm gay right?"

"Fuck no! You might want to ask a sissy, like Ga----- over there."

"Well, only if my girlfriend or my mom forces me to."

"Watch chick flicks? And become gay? No!"

From the interviews, it seems rather clear that men who are associated with chick flicks are also associated with homosexuality. So the notion is this: Chick Flicks either alter a straight guy's sexual orientation, or are watched only by gay men (other than their intended demographic of course).

In this episode of Test The System!, I sought to prove whether chick flicks would really turn a straight man gay. I wanted to see whether the general view of men and chick flicks could really stand in truth.

Of course, there is the other notion about chick flicks being watched by gay men. But gay men are not frowned upon by society if they watch chick flicks, so it does not matter. Straight men who admit to watching chick flicks will be mercilessly teased and brought down by the weight of society's norms.

I tested the system! last night. How? Read on:

1) Sat through a chick flick marathon.
Yes, people, I did. I watched A Cinderella Story, Pretty Woman, Beaches (the Bette Milder classic) and Emilio Ardolino's Dirty Dancing (not the Havana Nights version) - all in one sitting.

2) After the marathon, I checked on my sexuality.
I watched two porn flicks, one involving amorous love between a man and a woman. The other involved studly love between a man and another man. I also watched another porn clip involving a male horse and a haemophrodite midget - to see if chick flicks had other side effects that I have failed to foresee.

3) I took down the results of my sexual-orientation test.
For each movie, I measured the following: strength of erection (how hard/flaccid my penis was while I watched the movie), staying power of erection (how long my penis remained erected), whether I started touching myself or not, emotional connection (whether I developed an emotional attachment, or identified with the scene unfolding on the monitor), and vibe after movie (whether I felt positive or idiotic after the visual experience).


*For Movie#1, my erection started two minutes into the movie, and remained until, as stated, 3 minutes after its end.

So what do I finalise from this?

Chick flicks do not turn you gay. So, straight men, it's really safe to watch chick flicks. The themes involved may not appeal to us, but it does not turn us into homosexuals. Think of chick flicks as lawyers. We may think they're dangerous, but they're really people trying to make some money while making a statement. We can choose to not have them in our lives - it's all up to us.

Bottom line however, I've tested the system, and the system of chick flicks churning out gay men, is so not true. Like, what-ever.