Insult of the day: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..(one minute pause to count)..zero.
Wouldn't it be great to rule over your own race of people - your own civilisation?
One whose greatness could equal that of the pharoanic Egyptians?
Or even the philosophical Greeks?
You could name the race in your own glory. So for example, if your name is say, Jamal, you could name your people The Jamals. Can you imagine it? Hearing people say, "I'm of Jamal heritage," or, "Wow! Look at that babe! I bet she has Jamal blood." Or, "I think the Jamals are a very industrious people."
And depending on your ego, you could be a monarch or a deity to your people. People adore you, provided you, well, provide for them. And you can interact with other cultures or governments as you strive to expand your influence throughout the globe.
So, how can such a mouthwatering ideal be realised? I shall show you.
Step 1: Gather your flock
Every leader needs followers, and every country needs a populace. In this day and age of advanced science and established nations, you need to find people who are horribly not in touch with reality, as they are the ones very likely to listen to your rants of a better civilisation. These include children below the age of ten, Star Trek die-hards, teenage junkies, World Of Warcraft gamers, and the Americans who believed Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Ensure that there is a fair distribution between both genders. Convince them that following you will only bring them power, prosperity and a place in the record books. Use inspiring lines out of Hollywood epics when you speak to them. Good examples include:
"They may take our lives but they'll never take...OUR FREEDOM!!!"
"We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!!!"
"Shut your fucking face, uncle-fucker."
Step 2: Find Your Motherland
Where will your flock reside? Where will they grow fruits from the land they can rightfully call their own? Where will your architects create monuments of astounding splendour? What you need to do is to find a sizeable location that is overlooked by most of the outside world. I recommend:
The Arctic/Antartic
Pros: Large acres of empty, undeveloped land. Fish for food; polar bear hide as potential commodities
Cons: Global warming can really fuck things up for your civilisation if it does not have amphibous capabilities.
Malaysia's or Taiwan's Forests
Pros: Government too concerned about fighting among themselves. Abundant resources.
Cons: The indigenous people may pose problems. Also, unless you wish to live like Wookiees, trees have to give way to help develop your civilisation, followed by ethics.
Note: If anyone comes along and asks what your people are doing making buildings and all, just say you're making a movie.
Step 3: Come Up With Your Own Story About How The World Came To Be
The Ancient Egyptians had their story of how Atum masturbated and from his seed, produced Earth. Genesis states God created our world in 7 days, beginning with 'Let There Be Light' on Day 1. The Buganda people of Uganda told of Kintu's marriage to Nambi, and their migration from heaven to Earth. It's a prerequisite for all civilisations to have their own creation epic, and it's up to you and your creativity to fill your people in about how the world came to be. Preferably include yourself in the epic, and your people will forever cherish you for your role in presenting to them the gift of life.
You can come up with ANYTHING, as long as you are portrayed positively in it. "At first there was just chaos and evil. It was then that I, the great Jamal, appeared and ate it all up. I cleansed it with my digestive juices, but not all of it could be broken down into simpler, good substances. I farted at first - teehee, I blush - and that, my people, formed the clouds and the air that we breathe. Then, I pooped a giant turd - I blush even more - and that produced the planet you stand on. The chaos and evil that could not be digested is the chaos and evil you see around you today."
That's it!
Yes, it's that simple. Their reverence for you, and the knowledge that you have fought evil and given them life will make them follow you to the ends of the world. Remember to divide your manpower to agriculture, industry and commerce. As your people start becoming one, your architecture shall be distinct; your people will produce great works of literature, and you will finally have an unrivalled civilisation named after yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment