Confession

I am crying while I write this so I apologise for the dramatic tone. It's not very characteristic of me, but what I feel is honest and true and very real. I hope you understand.

My brother made me realise in a heated argument we had a few minutes ago that my life is fucked, as much as my sense of humour and outward optimism implies otherwise.

I am still haunted by the ghosts of my past.

I remember...pinning Nazir against a wall out of a bad mix of anger and despair. I have never forgiven myself for that, and until now, it haunts me. That there was this monster inside me that could do such a thing to my best friend - the laughter in my life. It haunts me, and now my tears flow heavy and bitter at the thought of it.

I remember...calling my brother Shahrul an idiot, and physically beating him, thinking I was intellectually so much more superior than him. It was raw arrogance. It was ugly. I was an ugly person as I did that. And for all the times I've tried to put him in his place. And for all the times I was never there for him as an elder brother. For him, Syahmi and Aidil. I was very wrong...

I remember so much, and it gives me a pain so sharp and fresh.

I'm sorry Nazir, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend and I love you so much. In a non-homosexual way.

I'm sorry Shahrul, Syahmi and Aidil. You are my brothers and nothing can ever take that away from me.

I'm sorry Mus, Nas, Aizat, Is, Jon. With Nazir, you guys make my world. And all that is good about me shine through because you guys are here in this world.

I'm sorry Ma and Pa.

I'm sorry grandma.

I'm sorry Cheryl.

I'm sorry Alvin, Sylvester, Russ.

I'm sorry Maznah. For being a very abusive prick when I first got to know you.

I'm sorry Halim, Amy, Baba, Irwan.

I'm sorry Jamie, Raph, Caleb, Ronald.

I'm so sorry to anyone I've fucked over. Life has finally fucked me over in return.