Tri-monologue

Yesterday, in the boredom of being guard commander and therefore confined in camp, I went through the choices I had to have a good time without leaving my post. Instinctively, I looked at my left hand, and at my pants. Then, I looked at the very masculine faces of my guards. Immediately I became a walking negative Viagra test subject. Okay plan A screwed.

Plan B, however, was overused. Sure, I've never done plan A in camp before. And there's the whole thrill of breaking the rules. But plan A didn't have a good facilitator (i.e, Playboy, internet porn, or in the case of my friend Wee Hung, hamsters). Plan B was something I do a lot when I'm bored. Plan B was to talk to myself.

So I did. I said aloud the foremost thing on my mind. Okay, second foremost thing on my mind, next to my vast, mind-numbing boredom.

"My best friends, with the exception of one, do not have girlfriends. Neither do I." It was not a complaint or anything. It was just a statement, based on fact and completely devoid of emotion. After saying it, I just waited for a reply from the murky depths of my mind.

A crisp, sophisticated voice replied. It was deep, and it spoke clearly and slowly. It was clearly a voice that demanded to be heard, and would be very useful if it had belonged to someone who regularly attended protests. I had Indonesian blood, of course, but I hate chaos. It was not my voice. It said, "Okay, and your point is?"

"Oh, hey Jamal. Nah, I was just saying. Out of boredom. It was either that or well, polishing my trophy."

I could feel Jamal rolling this around in his mind, giving it due consideration. He finally said, "What trophy?"

"Ask your mummy, man," I advised him.

"Whoa, who called?" came a new voice. It was shrill, like Fran Drescher's.

"Who are you?" Jamal and I asked together.

"I'm The Mummy," The Mummy introduced herself. "Pleased to meet you."

I was rather taken aback that there was a feminine character from the murky depths of my mind. But I had to be a good host nonetheless. "Oh. As in, are you a well-preserved Egyptian, or are you just maternally predisposed?"

"Err, I'm not Egyptian, honey, that's for sure," The Mummy said. "So I guess I'm the second one, whatever that means." Then, she horrified me by laughing the exact same laugh Fran Drescher used in The Nanny - the nasal heh heh heh.

Jamal snapped me out of my dropped-jaw reverie by saying, "So, about what you said just now. Ever wondered why that's so?" Thank god he forgot about 'trophy'. The heh heh heh must have badly shaken him up.

I welcomed the distraction from my horror at The Mummy. I gave Jamal's question more than due consideration. "Independence, I guess. And man, the very fact that I'm talking to you two already means that not many girls would understand what goes on in my head."

"You know dear, maybe you should just give them a chance," advised The Mummy. By virtue of her voice, her advice penetrated my soul like a kinetic energy-poor rubber ball on thick steel plates. "You just have to find someone with your kind of intellect."

"Yeah," Jamal said, his speech faster than usual. "Like a 12-year-old kid."

"Jamal," I said in what I hoped was a threatening, dangerous voice. "I'm 20."

"So what?" trilled The Mummy. "In 8 years' time, the two of you will be the same age."

Jamal's and my mental manifestation stared at The Mummy's. "Right..." I said. "I don't know. Even if I do meet someone, everytime I get close to a girl, it's like, my independence just kicks in. Real hard, man, you know?"

"Like a Roberto Carlos free kick," Jamal added unnecessarily.

"Yeah."

"Like an angry Satanist and a cat," Jamal said, offering another piece of imagery for kicking.

"That too."

"Like a transvestite - "

"Jamal!"

The Mummy spoke finally, "I guess it's not the right time for you, then."

"Yeah, I guess," I said. I knew all this. It was something I wholeheartedly embraced. And yet...

I shook the incoming thought away. Not now. Not yet. I decided to get some work done - a distraction from further exploring the subject. "Alright guys," I said, getting up. "It's been fun chatting, though it was for a short while. I'm really glad to have met you, Mummy."

The Mummy smiled through her mental projection in my head.

"But I have work to do now," I continued. "We'll talk another time, aiite?"

"As you wish," Jamal said vaguely. The Mummy and him then backed away, past the veils of light that illuminated my mind, into the darkness in the back of my mind.

I got up and walked away, from concepts that went beyond the rest area I was in.