Jobs Certain People Shouldn't Do: Osama Bin Laden As A Children's Book Author

There are some jobs that some people were born NOT to do. The Backstreet Boys, for example, were born NOT to be singers. When God went about giving voices to humans, he looked upon the Devil and said, "Alright Satan you bitch, see those 5 mortal souls there? Give them voices. Then you're going back to hell for that episode with Adam." The Devil knew he was going to be in severe pain if he acted like a petulant child and refuse to do it. So he went to the souls, and studied them to determine what sort of voice would match their physical form. Realising they looked like frogs, he therefore proceeded to give them voices that suited their appearance.

There are loads of other examples. Marilyn Manson was born not to be a kindergarten teacher. Tom Cruise...basketball player. Nor furniture-seller. Al-Qaeda members are not cut out to be MTV VJs.

The head of Al-Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden was born not to be a lot of things. Gilette (the company specialising in shavers) very likely does not have a job vacancy for him. Ballet conservatories, neither.

And how about Mister Osama as a children's book author? To most, that is as feasible as Cher winning a Grammy. This excerpt from his latest book, "Billy and Toby In Tora Bora" might reflect why...

"Toby and Billy, two infidels with hearts of cold steel, sat on the slope of one of the many majestic mountains (drama-mama terrorist bitch using alliteration here) of Tora Bora, looking down on Afghanistan with their evil eyes.

They then began a conversation that was filled with sin and hatred, typical of all infidel conversations. These are the fruits of the tongue that will send you to hell, O Young One Reading This Book. The Almighty will smite you very hard with an AK-47 for such misdeeds.

Toby is short and fat, due to a greedy overconsumption in a temporary, worldly heaven they call McDonald's. It is named after a farmer who decided to become a clown, or so I have heard. His hair is blonde, and this is due to the paragon of Western evil, Music Television. It is also due to something called jeans, which he shares with his mother. Such is the perversion of these infidels that they share their clothing with members of the opposite sex.

Billy, a name highly associated with homosexuality and school playground-teasing back in the Land Of The Infidels, America, is tall and skinny. In America, not eating enough is considered a great feat. Someone who physically suggests that their parents do not feed them enough is deemed beautiful and worthy of idolatry.

Toby says to Billy, "Who would you rather fornicate with man, Monica Lewinsky post-scandal, or Paris Hilton, post-bankruptcy?"

Such filth. Such perversion. Who would fornicate with a woman who does not know how to smoke a cigar, and a stick with blonde hair?

Thank the Almighty when one of the glorious Al-Qaeda fired a missile stolen from the beasts of Israel and hit his intended target: Billy And Toby, breaking them into little meaty pieces of American scum.

------------The End---------------



"Should I get Penguin to publish this, or would Ladybird get me a wider audience?"
"I don't know, bro, but a lady with a bird sounds wrong to me."