Ancient Egypt's Wanker

I thought I'd share something very interesting with you guys. Since I was a kid - well, a younger kid - my favourite non-fiction reading material would be that of ancient cultures. I would read, and be fascinated by, the advances of ancient Greek society, the epic of Enuma Elish from ancient Babylon, the military exploits of the Roman Empire and the absurd assimilation of ancient Egyptian deities with outside influences, such as the Hyskos.

One fascinating story that appears across all cultures would be that of creation. The question, "How the fuck did I get myself here?", is one endlessly asked by ancient people and people who are in deep shit. The ancients, of course, attempted to tackle the question by offering all sorts of stories on how this world came to be. The most common story of course, is that a divine being would create our realm either by his own will (as done by God in Christianity, Yahweh in Judaism, Allah in Islam, Ahura Mazda in Zoroastrianism) or from the body of others (Odin used Ymir's body in Norse mythology).

The most interesting one I've ever read so far would be the origin belief held by the Ancient Egyptians of the Ennead inclination. These are the main group of Ancient Egyptians, those who believed in the nine early Gods of Egyptian mythology (Atum, Shu, Tefnut, Geb, Nuit, Ausare, Aset, Set, and Nebet Het).

Their story of how the Earth came to be is a very interesting one. So interesting, as you would realise, that you never got to read about it from library books when you were a kid. Why? You'll see...

At first there was the primordial waters (the Neith). There was nothing, except...water. Primordial ones. I guess ancient Egyptians were very thirsty people, given their climate. And from the Neith emerged a mound, with Atum, the Creator, sitting on it.

Now, sitting alone on a small-ass mound surrounded by the endless waters of the Neith wouldn't make life very exciting for you. Atum, as powerful as he was in begetting himself, was bored out of his divine wits just sitting on a mound. He started feeling very lonely. Back in those days, there weren't any dating services, telephones or well, other beings to talk to. There was no internet connection in the Neith, so Atum did not have ICQ or MSN MEssenger like we do. So what did Atum do to kill his boredom?

He masturbated. Yes, Atum, Sun God, The Creator, the first dude to actually exist, wanked to kill his boredeom. So guys, whatever we do on lonely weeknights is a divine act. Some Egyptologists argue that what he did was in fact, autofellatio. Either way, Atum was very likely 15 years old when he came out of the Neith.

His semen produced moisture (and thus the oceans - maybe that's how sperm whales got their name) and his deep, heavy breathing produced the air. Moisture is known to ancient Egyptians as the Goddess Tefnut (she is moisture and moisture is she, that sort of thing) while air was her brother, the God Shu.

Fortunate for them, anti-incest laws have yet to come about back then, and they mated to form the Earth (Geb) and the sky (Nuit). Geb and Nuit didn't have much company either (these early Egyptian Gods were lonely doofwhackers), so they engaged in eternal copulation. A lot like Tommy Lee and Pam before he started beating her up, only with a bit more sex.

For some reason that the hieroglyphs did not explain, Shu separated the two of them, lifting Nuit to her place above the Earth. By then however, Nuit had given birth to 4 lovely kids, one short of a street soccer team.

There was Ausare (more commonly known as Osiris. Osiris is his name after corruption from Greek influences), Lord of the Underworld. Probably one of them pale skinny dudes who nobody likes. From the seed of his 'under world', he bore a son, named Babi, the horrible diety who devoured the souls of those who did evil deeds on the Earth. (side note= Babi is also the malay word for pig. The word has a negative connotation to it)

Then there was Aset (Isis, before Greek corruption), Goddess of Life and Mortality. She was the kind of lady who made you feel so comfortable and at ease. She was maternal; she was the giver of life. And she did it (gave life) in ways cooler and less disgusting as compared to those of her great-grandpa (Atum the Wanker). However, she did make a bad move in ending up as lover to her brother, Ausare. This just shows that in every relationship, if one partner's vibrant and lively while the other's dead fish, the offspring will be a Babi.

The third kiddo was named Set, God of the desert. Not much of a wonder why the Egyptians devoted an entire God to the desert, given their circumstances. Set was depicted as a very powerful God who could create sandstorms and err...more sandstorms. But very powerful ones nonetheless.

Finally, there was Nebet Het (or Nephthys, depending on how you read hieroglyphs), who wasn't really a deity of anything (though some state that she was Goddess of the Air, sharing duties with her grandpa) but was paired off with Set. Which is quite sad, as Set was thought infertile due to his association with the desert.

With all of that in place, the early Gods proceeded to incestuously make love again, producing lesser Gods and eventually, the human race.