Tronky

I need to whine. Whine like a pampered bitch thrown into a farm and made to do work.

I just had fourteen consecutive days that are each strong candidates for Worst Day Ever In My Life. With capital letters for overemphasis.

So let me have my moment of complete vulnerability...

I was only two when my mom gave birth to my brother, and four when my mom gave birth to another brother. So I grew up pretty much on my own. I was never baby of the family, and I had to learn to share way too early. I never really felt like I owned anything.

Due to personality differences, I am not close to my parents. I love my brothers, but the person I love most is my grandmother. Naturally, old age has caught up with her and she's been more fragile than I have ever seen in her life. And it affects me. It makes me worry and as logical progression takes place, I start feeling insecure and distant as my mind embeds itself in negative fear. I hate seeing my grandma suffer.

My parents and I have been quarreling epic battles of ego and personal imposition. And I find anger in my being. Sometimes I think you can see a dark, marauding shadow of it behind my eyes. I don't want it there.

It's not in my nature to feel wrathful. But as quarrels with my parents start to mount, I find myself cold, manipulative and overwhelmed with rage. I hate to feel this way. I champion compassion and nurturing the people around you. Life is about fun and joy and love. I wear my heart on my sleeve: it hasn't always served me well, especially when I develop romantic feelings for somebody. But I do not know any other way to live my life. It has been my raison d'être for 21 years.

I grew up by myself. My parents were usually there to admonish and to punish but in terms of paying attention, my brothers were the ones who were usually at the receiving end. It was a product of consequence, for they were younger. From a young age, I did not have much in terms of guidance and I pretty much picked for myself the paths I took in life.

So forgive me if I'm angry. Forgive me if my negative moods get the best of judgment. I am human and these are my flaws.