21, And A Month

The day I turn a month over 21, someone told me I behaved like I was 16. And I found, to my surprise, that I was not really affected as I usually was at such a comment. I did not feel indignant or inwardly pleased (as most anti-establishment individuals would). Merely I realised that a person's maturity or behavioural patterns cannot be measured in numerical yardsticks, or have its template against an age, or chronological situation.

Turning 21 meant I was edging steadily closer to several very harsh truths in life. For one, it means I'm growing older. And one day I'll feel all lonesome and depressed and decide to look for someone to balance out my life. Which will lead me to consider getting married. Thing is, people don't really look at me and think, "Ooh yeah, I could have sex with that for the rest of my life!" I'm not husband material.

Pretty soon, I enter the working world. From what I hear of it, it's a pretty fucked up place. Adults go on and on about how it's harsh and competitive. But aren't the people who make up this 'work place' the same people who were in schools before that? What happened in between? I'm guessing: money.

More to the point, if I do get a job (the alternative being I do not live long enough to find a steady job), I would not want one that would in no way stimulate or inspire me except in the pursuit of money-making. I want a job that calls for flair, creativity, style and expression of the character. In pragmatic Singapore, however, this kind of jobs are few and rarely open to new blood.

And when I think of all this, I think I have a very bleak, lonely life ahead.

21 years plus a month of life has taught me to accept this. In that period, I am also blessed because I am finally realising what I want in life, and the values I hold in my heart:

I want regular beautiful soccer.

I want and I champion intellectual stimulation.

I want my best friends to always stay true to themselves. Doing so will not fail them.

I want a good sex life (HEH HEH HEH I'm still naughty even when I'm serious - I'm seriously naughty)

I champion openness and acceptance.

I champion peace and love.

I champion courage - not to challenge the established but more to uphold positive idealism.

And I also realise my flaws - now, I am, hopefully, on the path to accepting and consequentially, overcoming them:

I am weak in handling my finances.

I am sometimes proud to the point of being incapable of human connection.

I am sometimes egotistical to the point of neglecting the need of others.

I overvalue my independence, to the point that I resent dependence of any sort.

The strength of my emotions are such that they take over common sense.

The strength of my emotions are such that I try my best to hide them, to dire consequences.

The strength of my emotions are such that even my negative emotions such as anger and fear are heightened.

I overvalue harmony.




I've always seen myself as a simple human being. I've learnt about soccer, I've learnt about chocolates, and I've learnt love. How to accept it into my being, and how to give its warmth to another person. And ultimately, that is what life will be to me, whether I'm 21 and a month, or 81 and 6 months.

"I sit here and I think of you
And I could smile forever."