Songwritings: I Wrote This In A Starbucks Full Of Idiots

Insult of the day: Here's what you can get me, bitch: A whole venti cup of shut-the-fuck-up.

I was in Starbucks last week, chilling with my friend Mus. I was morose as hell, and I lost myself in an overwhelming wave of existentialism.

The Starbucks house we were in didn't help improve my mood. Couples were in every other seat, and the baristas were being irritatingly chirpy. I wanted to tell them to shove their part-time pay cheques up their asses. However, being of a relatively patient disposition, I shelved it, and instead wrote the following songs.

The Number One Cause Of Break-Ups

I love you babe. Muacks.
I love you too!!
Let's fuck like stallions
...
(5 seconds later)
FUCK OFF YOU BASTARD!!

If I Were To Clone Myself As A Woman

I wonder what it'd be like
If I cloned myself
Assuming I had the technology
And the wealth

So using the technique
From Jurassic Park
I made myself a clone
Without having to fuck

I am my clone and my clone is me
I'd give it some memorabilia
In the form of a set
Of female genitalia

(chorus)
That's what I'll do, if I were to clone myself
It's wrong and highly god-forsaken
But if I were to clone myself,
Oh, satay, I'd clone myself as a woman

I'd play with my titties
And then caress my ass
Suck on my pink itty-bitties
Rub my clit like a zesty enthusiast

Go down on myself
Like the Titanic into the ocean
And slurp it all up -
My sweet orgasm potion

Lovingly push my cock
Into my female me
After hours of our bodies as one,
I'll cum one time - two times - maybe three

(chorus)
That's what I'll do, if I were to clone myself
It's wrong and highly god-forsaken
But if I were to clone myself,
Oh, satay, I'd clone myself as a woman

You hear that?
That's the sound of a thousand feminists
Coming this way

2-Inch Dick

You...Have a 2-inch dick
You...Have a 2-inch dick
Mine..Is longer and a lot more thick
But
You...Have a 2-inch dick

Oh, you were walking down the street one day
You weren't wearing your pants
I went up to you, I pointed, and I said,
"Hey you, you're not wearing your pants."

And you said,
"I.. just wanna show the world what I have
I... just wanna show the world what I have
I... just wanna show the world what I have
And it's a 2-inch dick."

A 2-inch dick
A 2-inch dick
So small...
Oh you have
A 2-inch dick

If you put it in J.Lo's ass she won't feel a thing
If you put it in J.Lo's ass she won't feel a thing
So I sing this song for anybody in the world
With a 2-inch dick
A 2-inch dick
Mine is...a 12-inch dick
But yours is...
A 2-inch dick

Foar

Four! For! Fore! (24 times)
Foar!!!
(5 second pause)
What the fuck is foar?
F-O-A-R!! Foar!!
What...the...fuck...is...foar?
Don't know.
Oh...Okay.
Fore! For! Fore! (17 times)

Things To Do With A Cup Of Coffee

Here's what you should do
With a cup of coffee
Drink it, savour it
And throw it, baby

Or you can even try this:
Slowly make holes in the cup
And watch intently as it drains
While you hum 'Smack My Bitch Up'

But the best thing to do
With a cup of that hot fuckin' coffee
Is to throw it at all these bastards!
Throw it at all these bastards!
Throw it at all these bastards!
Yeah...